Hello

Hihihihihihihi

... why do i worry? why are my palms sweating?

why do I have a million different thoughts?

are my lovelies alright? what about my friends?

who's watching? we were supposed to be a trio of best friends.

was i just a tool? why is it cold? i'm cold...


do you even care i left? why did you ghost me? i hope i gave you a good friend in return...
treat him well, please care for him, im sorry. you cant just - ghost everyone you knew, to start a new life.
i wont say anything but i can't promise the others in your circle wont say anything, i'll watch tho from a distance and come when you need a friend

were our times together all fake? the shiny pixels, the voice calls? the memories and times we've had together? did you just data-mine me? (maybe i sound like B pancakes 'xD)

maybe im not cut out for this life... im only human too, i can't even message you these, i hope you read these. i hope you we... maybe im just writing this for strangers on my profile, wondering who this is for...

but its dissolving me like acid, losing a friend, now another, and another. i used to reflect on our clips as memories and fun times we've had, all the little funny things we've done, how you made me feel differently about people, about the reasons why to cheat in a video game (that it was just my desperate cry for validation and verification of myself, why i stopped needing that)
i dont think you understand how much i cared about you as a friend, i think of you often, you were like . hope? i have new(er) friends now but i still hate losing friends.

i still have those clips, im not gonna post them anywhere tho, i used to look at them with rejoyce and thanking you for the great time you've given me, showing me again what friendship means, maybe it wasn't too bad, my constant and heavy paranoia of new people and friends, it was all just a shell though, i mean my shell, i actually hated the attention, i mean i loved the memories and people i've met but a lot of it, i was scared of the feedback, watching numbers go up and everything.

i dont want any of that though, i just wanted friends. i have a bad habit of hyping myself up or trying to think of funny things to say to you, to try to make you laugh or at least smile, i hope i've done that at least a little, it was fun talking and playing again though, i truly don't know if these words will ever reach you but i know you're good at researching and finding people/information, maybe just as good as me~ heheh

knowing my crazy insane occurrences you'll find this, we've always been pretty weird, like two batteries.

anyways, i used to look at those clips as fond but now i see it as sorrow...

usually i keep this to myself but i- i'm running out. of motivation? hah i guess we're all a bunch of fucked up people ay? we all come from the same place, some a little more broken or twisted, do we all grow out of it? maybe some, some are tethered. i stopped asking myself what is right wrong a long time ago, i just want to feel. maybe im losing train of thought typing this note, maybe i'll backspace or delete it randomly. maybe not. you crazy motherfuckers. am i crazy or are you all crazy?

do you think im trolling? do you think im faking? do you think this is an act? do you think its just some crazy play or stunt im pulling? what do you think im capable of? a lot? a little? do you think of me as little? do you think of me as a non-threat? do you think think i can do everything again but more better? don't you know its been awhile? don't you know everyone changes and also upgrades a little? or maybe did i downgrade? did i dissolve a little too much? did i lose train of thought? did the psychosis get to me? did i get overtaken by mental illness already? consumed by the thoughts? consumed by "madness"? the isolation? the void? the crippling grip of nothingness? alone with nothing but my thoughts for a long time.

my world and thoughts twisting against each other, cracking and sizzling, nothing but random noise until.

i guess i've always been working on something or someone.

its always switching like tv channels or a radio.

do you want a new channel??? i do!!! very badly, lets make a new station, a new program, a new stage, lets get creative, lets step up our game! c'mon. i lost a friend, recently, like i lost LOST them, it hurts a lot, like a stab at me, im still recovering from it, my emotions are sorta waaaacky, i know i've been doing some sussy thinggs lately, you might MIGHT had heard of it, small world! i don't want to be enemies no, i want to be friends, can we be friends? im not like, dangerous or anything. i mean people are attacking me and i don't really understand why, trouble tends to follow me, sometimes, or do i make the trouble? is this a red flag to stay away from me? or does it interest you?

they want me to take the meds but i reject it, its all the elites want, to control, to control the masses but i reject that, everyone should be themselves instead of this cookie cutter type, copy and paste person to person, all boring typical people, pretending to be one concept, a normal person. i like to take off my mask sometimes, its to find other people like me but its like, i dunno, sometimes i act really dumb and also very basic in order to get those "normal" friends, to give me a taste of ignorance lifestyle. ignorance is bliss, i envy them sometimes. not knowing whats really going on, thinking of their boring day to day life- wait... is that YOUR life now? should i take t- no, i don't wanna like, hurt or harm you, not at all.

i mean, i always said - or actually thought, if one day i seem normal, leave me be, i didn't ask to be here but was placed here, on top of that i see everything. i pick out little details and notice things, its exhausting.

Okay so I wrote that in Steam originally but apparently there's like... a 4k character limit! Who would had known! so i quickly made this site, very crude yes i know but its here, finally here, yes

11/20/23